Stuck

I am officially stuck. I have a great deal of things to do, but I am studiously not doing any of them. Good job. Even on the one project that I know I can finish, I just am not doing any work on it at all. All I have to do is delete three pages of it, fix the citations, and format one section. After that, I should actually be finished. It should take about 2.5 hours. I have spent four sitting on the couch playing on the laptop, actively not doing this.

Meanwhile, I drank a coke and ate crackers and hummus to calm down a bit. Ha! My stomach feels jittery, and I am sighing. Stress. I am nervous and frightened. Why am I doing this to myself?

Part of it is that I want the project to be--wait for it--Perfect. Perhaps I should go back and read the post I wrote about perfection and how it isn't attainable or even expected from most people. It doesn't seem to make a difference for my writing and working. I care much more about this than weight loss or health.

I was thinking about this the other night. Weight numbers and what my figure looks like does not stress me out (not having enough of the right clothes does, but that is a different issue), and it has been a long time since extra pounds have stressed me out or bothered me the way I am bothered now. Really, I think some of this is because I have always been the "smart girl" and not the "pretty girl". I am pretty to my parents, grandparents, and husband. They think I am beautiful, but are not exactly objective. Plus, I don't do the extras that could make a real difference--I don't do pedicures or manicures, my hair does its own thing most of the time, and my clothes are simple and certainly lean much more towards utilitarian than fashion. Today I wore a straight denim knee length skirt, chacos, and a t-shirt (it wasn't free, but usually they are). I wear the same things over and over again. I hope to wear my chacos just about every day this summer--I even wear them to church, but don't tell my mother.

For some people, I think this would probably be a sign that they are not happy about their body and don't want to spend time on it. For me, I really don't think that's the case. I would love to have just enough living clothes for a week, and this year I was very excited to find the best brown slip-on shoes that were the right mix between dressy and casual and I wore them almost every day in the fall. Now I have my chacos. I don't like spending money on clothes I don't love, and I want to LOVE everything in my wardrobe and have just enough. I'm not there yet, and I keep getting rid of the fluff.

Anyway, I guess that was background for the not pretty worries. I don't worry about being not pretty. I'm not going to fail at that because I'm not competing, either because I don't think I have a chance on one hand and on the other I don't care about some of the trappings that come with pretty. I don't feel bad about it, because I think I look nice and I know that the people who matter see me as beautiful and tell me so often. Also, I don't think "pretty" is all that important in the long run. I would rather know interesting, funny, thoughtful people. Whether they are pretty or not. Being the right weight and a good figure is part of being pretty, and it's also not a big worry for me. I've got a bit of chub on me, but that's ok. Whatever. It's like wearing free tshirts everyday.

But smart.

That I'm invested in. I am smart. Mean Monkey only wanted to date me because I was smart (seriously, he liked me but didn't decide to ask me out until he found out I was in the Honors college). Now that I'm in law school, I have met many people who are n degrees smarter and more talented than I am. (I am also in a grad program in public admin getting a dual degree.) I am the average student. While I recognize that I want a balanced life for myself and that school is NOT my top priority, I have a hard time letting go of the fear that I am going to show myself as a horrible student. It is terrifying.

And so instead of involving myself in greater efforts at work, I am paralyzed. Which only means that my work will not be as good as it could be, and means that the odds of disappointment will be greater. It is a very bad strategy.

What is funny is that I have cultivated a facade of slacking and stress-free living for everyone else. I hang out with my friends, I go on trips, I volunteer. There is more to life than law school is what I tell everyone. Which is the truth, actually. But I need to recognize that there is a place for schoolwork and be diligent about carving space for it out of my schedule--and then let it go for the rest of the time. Easier said than done.

Tomorrow I will finish the project I mentioned above. Thanks for making it through these ramblings. I am a little calmer now.