New Food

Tonight I ate macaroni and cheese for dinner because I was so drained that I didn't want to cook anything really. Although being completely out of energy was my own fault. See, I was STARVING after I went to the grocery store, so I drank a glass of oj and ate a couple of cookies--which apparently knocked me out, so I went to bed. For an hour. After that, I woke up with a headache, decided to cook "dinner", and then bawled my eyes out at an SVU episode that I have seen two million times.

I'm blue. That's just the long and short of it. But it's awful because it's not like I'm even conscious of being sad really. It just hangs over me. I know it is because I really do miss Dr. MM, so much, even though I'm going to see him next Thursday and he just left on Monday. I want to be up there, piddling around in our new house, cooking us dinner, looking at furniture, being with him. Which is all true, but still a little pathetic. My grandmother would tell me to stop my blubbering and get busy, she was away from my grandfather for two years during the war and it wasn't the end of the world. (My gma, she was one with the sympathy, you know. But it makes me laugh.) Plus, I know that I'm extra sad right now because of PMS. Sigh.

Besides bawling my eyes out at a re-run, I'm also having tons of anxiety about my internship right now. Which is stunningly stupid of me, because it is only making me do a worse job of everything. And I'm a great intern, actually. (I'm generally good at everything I work at: I'm a hard worker, quick to grasp new concepts, careful and discreet, competent, friendly, uncomplaining, cheerful, etc.) I know that the blues and anxiety go together for me, so if I can get a handle on the former then the latter will take care of itself.

I say the blues rather than depression because I am not actually depressed. Maybe I am getting there, but right now I'm just. . . grumpy? tired? sad? lonely? Blue.

Also, I'm having very little human social contact at all, which is somehow physically/mentally/emotionally draining to me--I'm a complete extrovert. I usually don't realize this until I have been hanging out with a group of people and come home feeling like myself, only WAY more so. It's truly exhilerating.

Anywho. I'm writing all of this here because otherwise if I told someone, they would worry. No need to worry, I'm just getting it out in the open. But you can't tell people who love you not to worry, you know.

I came here to write about what I bought today, so let me do that.

mac & cheese*: 2.49
cheese: 1.92
eggplant*: 3.59 (I'm going to be eating eggplant for a while. It's just one, but it's a nice one.)
potatos (2)*: 2.13
corn: 1.99 (A better deal than last week--3 this time, 2 last)
cornmeal*: .21
bacon: 2.99
oj*: 4.99 (pulp-free is a dollar cheaper than with pulp for some reason)
milk*: 2.99 (half gallon instead of a gallon--less incentive to eat cereal before bed)

discount: 1.17
TOTAl: 22.79

So I have 1.97 left, which I shouldn't have to spend. I like shopping at E, because I like buying from the bulk aisle. And I like the smell of the place. And I like the things I don't normally see in the regular grocery store. I also really like the organic oj--it is somehow a lot sweeter than our usual national-brand oj and more orange-y. Which, of course, may have nothing to do with it being organic and just be the change in brands. But to me it is worth the outrageous cost, plus it reminds me not to drink it like a mad woman. Juice is something to be savored and sipped, not glugged down and unappreciated. In fact, most of our food should be savored. I think that paying a little bit more for things, especially within the confine of this budget, is making me appreciate that much more.

Ahhh. I feel much better now. I know that I need to get to the gym, and probably go to a meeting of the local group I'm interested in, and go to church (ack). All of those things would make me feel much better too. Instead, I'm going to go unload the dishwasher and clean off the dining room table. So there.

P.S. Also, I have decided that I'm not going to buy any more bags of chips or cookies. I just sit here (or at the tv) and eat them in ginormous quantities. That's it. If I want some kind of sweet treat, I'm going to go to the awesome bakery here in town and get something that is fantastic. If I want something crunchy, I will eat my whole-grain crackers. Keeping unhealthy things out of the house is the best way for me to Just. Not. Eat. Them. Also, no more s0nic bl@sts, unless it's gingerbread (my favorite and only at Christmastime). They just aren't as good if you have them all the time.