Warning: stream of thought rambling

I became so aggravated today when I had to go to the grocery store again to buy food (because I haven't had time for a real trip in a while) at the thought that I have to get all of my food from a store! It just seemed so absolutely wrong to me. Growing up, my grandmother had a garden most of the year and fruit trees and vines and nut trees. We had pecan trees, apple trees, plum trees, scuppernong vines, persimmon trees wild in the woods, wild blackberry bushes everywhere, a huge garden in the spring and summer with cabbages, potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants, squash, butter beans and snap beans, peppers, watermelons, corn, green onions, and okra. And we had chickens for a while. (I grew up on a small farm, but we didn't eat the cows we produced--at least not directly.) Realizing how dependent I am on stores for one of life's necessities was intensely frustrating! Why am I so content to depend on others for what is a basic need? Why is it strange to me now to go home and find snacks in the yard! (Which is funny to write, but if I don't eat something out of the yard everytime I go home. . .)

Why am I so content to buy into the idea that I will always need to consume what other people provide? Why am I content to be a perpetual consumer instead of an investor? Why not commit? Why not take responsibility for myself?

I feel this way about consuming gasoline constantly as well. I have a bike that is fueled by peanut butter and jelly (indirectly), but I would rather pay someone else to move me. Convenience over community and commitment.

When I ride my bike or walk through my community, I realize how much the car cuts me off from my environment. I don't engage my surroundings and there is no attention to detail; there can't be at that level. Instead, I bustle along in my car to my individualized destination, with the a/c just so, listening to exactly what I want to hear--within the car there is only ME. Buying things from the grocery store is the same, in a way. I am separated from what is the reality of my food--it doesn't matter what the season is or the climate, all that matters is ME--what do I want to eat right this second. In neither of these situations do I have to do much work--it's all grab and go.

This is a cold life to me. We have so very little time on this earth, and to spend it in ways that are deadening instead of enriching seems beyond heartbreaking.

I do enjoy convenience. I enjoy being able to see Dr MM semi-frequently, which my car allows. I like knowing that I can have new experiences in my own home, which the variety of foods grants me. I do gain some by these things. But do I lose it when they dominate instead of punctuate my life?