Warning: stream of thought rambling

I became so aggravated today when I had to go to the grocery store again to buy food (because I haven't had time for a real trip in a while) at the thought that I have to get all of my food from a store! It just seemed so absolutely wrong to me. Growing up, my grandmother had a garden most of the year and fruit trees and vines and nut trees. We had pecan trees, apple trees, plum trees, scuppernong vines, persimmon trees wild in the woods, wild blackberry bushes everywhere, a huge garden in the spring and summer with cabbages, potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants, squash, butter beans and snap beans, peppers, watermelons, corn, green onions, and okra. And we had chickens for a while. (I grew up on a small farm, but we didn't eat the cows we produced--at least not directly.) Realizing how dependent I am on stores for one of life's necessities was intensely frustrating! Why am I so content to depend on others for what is a basic need? Why is it strange to me now to go home and find snacks in the yard! (Which is funny to write, but if I don't eat something out of the yard everytime I go home. . .)

Why am I so content to buy into the idea that I will always need to consume what other people provide? Why am I content to be a perpetual consumer instead of an investor? Why not commit? Why not take responsibility for myself?

I feel this way about consuming gasoline constantly as well. I have a bike that is fueled by peanut butter and jelly (indirectly), but I would rather pay someone else to move me. Convenience over community and commitment.

When I ride my bike or walk through my community, I realize how much the car cuts me off from my environment. I don't engage my surroundings and there is no attention to detail; there can't be at that level. Instead, I bustle along in my car to my individualized destination, with the a/c just so, listening to exactly what I want to hear--within the car there is only ME. Buying things from the grocery store is the same, in a way. I am separated from what is the reality of my food--it doesn't matter what the season is or the climate, all that matters is ME--what do I want to eat right this second. In neither of these situations do I have to do much work--it's all grab and go.

This is a cold life to me. We have so very little time on this earth, and to spend it in ways that are deadening instead of enriching seems beyond heartbreaking.

I do enjoy convenience. I enjoy being able to see Dr MM semi-frequently, which my car allows. I like knowing that I can have new experiences in my own home, which the variety of foods grants me. I do gain some by these things. But do I lose it when they dominate instead of punctuate my life?

La-di-da

How did I get to the point where I don't drink soda any more? I think I recognized that it did nothing for me, health-wise, by focusing on my RDA's and realizing that all it added was sugar. After that, there was less motivation to drink them. I also avoided places where I thought having a coke was just part of the entire experience--certain meals were not mentally complete without a coke! Eventually, it became less of a question of whether I would have water or soda. Every time I go in a restaurant, I don't have an internal struggle about what to drink. I can leave the five remaining cokes on the counter for over a month (Dr. MM drinks them), and not even want them.

I wonder what will be my next healthy habit to build or unhealthy habit to break? I can do it, but it does have to be a small step. It also has to be something that occurs daily. Could I walk a mile a day? Could I eat a serving of fruit with each meal (this would be hard because of how often I eat in restaurants, but I like it)? Could I go to the rec center every day for 30 minutes? Could I have a 10-minute clean* every day? Could I read my devotional book every day?

I think I could do any or all of these things, although walking a mile a day would probably be more annoying than any of the rest of them. Don't ask why I think that's annoying, because I just do! I think I will work on the fruit and 10 minute clean habits, since they are the most interesting to me. It means that I will have to buy and bring fruit with me during the day, but if I eat at home more often it shouldn't be a problem. Plus, you can buy pineapple and fruit cups on campus usually. The 10 minute clean will help me prioritize my at-home time a little bit better, since I have a tendency to sit at the laptop from the moment I get home until I'm so exhausted I have to go to bed. I admit that I have replaced tv watching with computer use, but since most of the time I used the laptop while watching tv I still call this a victory.

What I think will work for me, and what has worked for me with respect to RDA's, is adding activity to my schedule rather than limiting what I'm already doing. Technically, I will be limiting myself since I can't do as much of X when I add Y in--but I feel better about adding rather than limiting myself. This isn't really what happened with soda, but that's because I had a strong realization that drinking soda was a complete waste of a nutritional choice. Very few other things are quite as absolute.

*A 10-minute clean is when I set the kitchen timer for 10 minutes and then clean up as much as I can in that time. You can get a lot done in 10 minutes, and it helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Hmmm.

I didn't realize that I'd fallen off the wagon for so long. Today, W: 159 and M: 41, 34.5, 40.5. Hmm, except for the top, I'm the same size that I was when I was four pounds lighter. Interesting.

Life is very, very busy. As usual. I'm un-motivated to work on this blog or fitday. I'm tired all the time. I'm lonely. I'm sick of school, of papers, of quizzes and exams. My house is a wreck. I just want to go live in the woods.

But, the weather is gorgeous this weekend! And I've been spending some time outside each weekend--yesterday it was hiking 8 miles in the mountains, last week I was on my bike for 15 beautiful miles, etc. And I'm an aunt now!

So, lots of conflicting feelings. I'm just ready for this semester to end. Next semester will be better, I hope. I've decided in January to begin training for a 10 mile race for 2008. Over winter break, I'll figure out the details.

I'm still doing well in many ways: I have still not had any soda for weeks, and tv is nonexistant. I'm eating decently. I appear to have lost all interest in potato chips as a food group, which is fascinating to me. The last time I had a bag of my favorite potato chips, I ate gobs of them several times a day. It's been a few months, and I bought them again this week. Now I can barely enjoy a handful before I get tired of them! Meh. I don't know what that's about, but it's nice.

I always think it's interesting, those articles that say "If you just cut X out, then by the end of a year you'll have lost 10 pounds!" Well, if it were that simple, anyone could stop drinking soda, etc. For example, I have not had a soda in about 3 months (I think). When I used to drink soda, I drank at least two a day. So that's 25200 calories that I've cut out--over 7 pounds (of fat)! But I haven't lost 7 pounds, in fact I'm at about the same weight as when I stopped drinking soda. Either I've slowed down my activity to compensate for the lack of extra energy, or I've added enough other food to make up for that (like, um, expensive coffee drinks). Maybe if things had stayed exactly the same, and I cut out soda, I might have lost seven pounds. But, I don't think that's a realistic expectation for people. No one stays exactly the same for long amounts of time. And if the only focus is cutting out X (or adding X) to your life, without paying any attention to the rest of your life then that could be frustrating when one doesn't see the results that were predicted. That's my random conversation for the day. I also should note that I didn't cut sodas out because I expected to lose X amount of weight, but because they are pure junk food with tiny amounts of nutritional value (if any). I'm probably healthier without so much jerking my blood sugar around and with less caffeine in my life.

Anywho!