Spinach eater!

Well, I got sick of seeing a big fat zero in my vitamin K space on the fitday report. So I had baby spinach tonight for dinner. Guess what? It was delicious. As usual. I really like baby spinach so much, but after eating it regularly I decided I was tired of it. It was just too much work to eat it, and I'm sure it actually tastes bad. Or at least that's what I told myself. Lies! Haha. I have a bag to eat through this week, so I should be good to go.

Also, I noticed that fitday took some of my calories away from me! Barely 20, but the nerve! Hah! I guess it's because my weight changed enough that it needed to go down a bit, and call me crazy but I never really thought about that happening. I guess it makes sense that if there's less of you then you need less energy to do what you've been doing. I guess that also means that you have to think about revising the amount of food you eat.

I've also started my coke habit back up again. I probably should write that as Coke so the feds don't come knocking. Two a day! I should be more aware of that, but really until finals are over I don't care that much. Hmm, wonder how I gain five pounds each semester? Also, I've been eating more candy. Tonight, instead of buying a candy snack I took dried apricots and nuts--at least those have nutrients in them! Plus, there's only so many dried apricots you can eat before you get a tummy-ache.

Scale says

154
40-34-40.5

This is my lowest recorded weight since Jan. 05. The last time I had these exact measurements I weighed 155, which makes me feel as if I am being consistent measuring.

Full-fat

Over on Kathryn's site, she is asking for good low-fat cheeses. I'm totally not the person to give advice on low-fat food, since just about the only non-full-fat thing I eat is 2% milk and sometimes lowfat yogurt. Although most of the time it's full fat yogurt too--I'm only reconciled to 2% milk because I'm used to it and I used to drink a ton of it. The funny thing is that thinking about it makes me want to drink whole milk. I'm just contrary.

Yuck

Well, I'm actually studying somewhat today. Imagine me writhing in agony and you will see my mental state. I HATE studying. Just 2.5 more weeks.

Anyway, at least I am enjoying a nice view from the library. Lots of green trees and watching some squirrels on the roof below and eastern tiger swallowtails flying around. It's nice.

I hope that I will get through the next forty pages tonight and work on one of my papers.

blah

I'm procrastinating. In fact, I've been doing that all night long. Not even good procrastinating where I learn something new or think about new ideas or clean the house--I've slept and I've surfed the web. sigh.

One interesting thing is that I made some cereal in a glad-ware type bowl and realized it had a use by date on it. Why would I need an expiration date for plastic? Then I realized that this one was the one that the cold cuts had come in, which kind of icked me out. I ate the cereal anyway. And that is as interesting as it gets around here.

Also, I had an email from one of my professors checking on why I hadn't responded to his email from earlier in the week. Well, mostly because I didn't read far enough along to get to the part where it said "respond immediately". Oops. Plus, he saw me out with friends at lunch yesterday and made fun of me then. Clearly, I'm not too busy with studying to check my email if I can have a two hour lunch (he and the other prof arrived AND left while our bunch was still lolling about on the patio). haha. But when the choice is between studying and having lunch with my closest friends who are graduating in a few weeks, I'll choose the friends over the grade. And our lunch was for a good cause, because 10% of the profits went to local food banks. Of course, if I had done my work all along, then I could have the grades and the friends + charitable lunch. Must work on that.

In good, non-procrastinating, news, I lined up my internship for my master's degree today. I'll be working with a local non-profit doing things that I think I will be really, really good at, and which (of course) have very little to do with the law. Woohoo! I can't wait to start. I also can't wait for the chance to come home after a day's work and not have homework to do, so that some of my time actually is my own.

Testing

I have tracked my weight and measurements weekly for nearly a year and a half now as an accountability measure. Mostly because I realize that when I stop doing that, I morph into a slug that stays up too late, working furiously on last minute projects, who feeds exclusively on coke, potato chips, and poppycock. Generally this is at the end of the semester when finals rear their ugly heads. Ick.

I've noticed on my little chart (which I might post if I can figure it out) that my highest weights are always at the end of semesters. My highest weight was 164 at the end of last spring semester and there was another spike at the end of last semester. Usually five pounds. I want to see if I can avoid that this semester. All I am going to do is pay attention and keep up with my numbers.

I like keeping track. It adds order in my disorderly existence.

Also, my car died. Which you would think would help me in my transportation bank points, but it just means that I have had to make more car trips in order to share the car with Mean Monkey. Grr. We have to take the car in this week, and it should revive! It's about 10 years old and the only thing wrong with it is that we think a sensor has failed. Nothing too major. I love Zipper (the car) and I'm going to drive it until it becomes utterly unreliable. I hope I can get 3-5 more years out of it. Then I hope we'll need a car for BABIES.

Heehee.

Thinking about this has me chanting Costa Rica over and over again. Recently I've been trying to remind myself that there are things I/we want to do before we have babies: travel more and have new furniture are what are keeping me reined in at the moment. Plus, it would probably be nice to have: health insurance, a job, savings, a house, etc. But none of those things inspire me! Haha. So it's going to have to be Costa Rica and a china cabinet. Practicality is really not my strong suit, no matter how much I like sensible shoes and free tshirts. Luckily, that's what Mean Monkey is for.

nibbles

The past couple of days I've had a plate full of lots of little nibbles for lunch. It's fun and easy, and I don't have to worry about making anything. I just pour a little of this and a little of that on a plate and cut up a few things and I'm good.

But today I think I might burst. Two stalks of celery (which I hate, but I have a lot of it so I'll be munching away at it for a while), a serving of turkey pepperoni (which is actually an enormous amount of pepperoni), crackers, hummus, half a pickle, a couple of olives, some cheese, a couple of tablespoons of sunflower seeds and raisins. I also drank two glasses of water. I couldn't even eat all the cheese and olives that I put on my plate! Or the orange that I was going to eat for dessert! The last few bites were just painful. I usually only feel like this on meatloaf and mashed potato night, although I'm pretty sure that the equivalent feeling of roly-polyness from meatloaf/mashed potatoes is much more than 500 calories. 500 calories--that's about all that lunch ended up being.

I feel like I ate an elephant.

And that's your daily dose of my random life.

Transportation Bank Update

For the week ending April 23.

Last week's balance: -86.6
Bus points: 33.75
Walking points: 2
Carpooling points: 18.75
Car driving points: -47.4

Ending Balance: -79.5

I did much better this week about riding the bus, which helps me with both bus points and walking points since I have to walk to the bus stop and back. I drove about half as much as last week, which is great! Maybe I can dig out of this hole.

My transportation goal for this week is to make a bike trip--either for errands or to church. Classes end this week, so I won't have to commute as much. Maybe I can carpool to work one day.

Weekly numbers

156
40.5-34.5-40.5

Magic headphones

I am an odd person. For some reason, plugging my headphones into my laptop and putting them on makes me much more productive. Despite the fact that half of the time I forget to listen to anything. So I'm just sitting around with headphones on, but I'm working (obviously not at the moment). If it works, can you complain?

I have deleted the extra pages of my project. Woohoo! Moving on.

Authenticity

Several things seem to all have come together in the past few days that have sparked some thoughts for me. The latest is Annarella's comment on my Stuck post, where she says that she's met more people recently that think like her than she has in a while (I'm assuming she's talking about people online). Another comment was on Renee's site about her focusing on being "to be the real me, no matter what" and some of her other posts about cutting her hair. The final thought-provoking post was at Mia's which is like Annarella's--in her words, "The Internets are magical, because I don't think I've met four people in 10 years that I would call "friend" from the Real World, and here I am, 4 for 4, from blogging. . . "

I think all of these posts show that blogs create a space where people can be their authentic selves or even just practice being their authentic selves. The anonymity somehow limits the fear of rejection or the sting of criticism. In response to this vulnerability that comes from being yourself and all of who you really are--the good, bad, ugly, and magnificant--there is often an outpouring of support and affirmation. Blogging experience can show us that our authentic selves--the ones that are able to talk about our fears and problems and strip away all the excess and facade--are acceptable, likable, and they draw people to us. We are good enough, foibles, fears and all.

However, I do think there's a danger in blogging. When I was drafting this post, an image sprang to my mind and I think it's appropriate. One year, I decided to start peppers from seeds indoors for my garden. I had a little box and peat pots and whatever. The seeds mostly sprouted, and my parents reminded me to set them outside a little bit at a time so that they could harden off and get used to the outdoors. I ignored them because I was a little too busy/lazy and within a week or so, the seedlings wilted without ever being outdoors.

I worry about our authentic selves being like those seedlings. The blogosphere is like a little hothouse where we are protected by anonymity, supportive communities of like-minded people, editorial control, etc. It can be a place were we gather the inital strength to inhabit our offline lives more fully. But then the next step needs to take place, the hardening off. Exposing our nutured authentic selves to the offline world, little bits at a time, to become ready to take their place off-line and fulfill their purpose. This is a risk, but a necessary one.

In my own life, the only person who sees the authentic me, such that it is, is Mean Monkey. As it should be, I guess. My mother would be a very close second, but we differ enough politically and theologically that there is somewhat of a divide. When I think of having an authentic life, I think of living in a way that I can be the person that I am with Mean Monkey and my mother at all times in my personal life. Unafraid of judgment, willing to share, to listen, and to understand--to be myself and to know that this is enough.

Stuck

I am officially stuck. I have a great deal of things to do, but I am studiously not doing any of them. Good job. Even on the one project that I know I can finish, I just am not doing any work on it at all. All I have to do is delete three pages of it, fix the citations, and format one section. After that, I should actually be finished. It should take about 2.5 hours. I have spent four sitting on the couch playing on the laptop, actively not doing this.

Meanwhile, I drank a coke and ate crackers and hummus to calm down a bit. Ha! My stomach feels jittery, and I am sighing. Stress. I am nervous and frightened. Why am I doing this to myself?

Part of it is that I want the project to be--wait for it--Perfect. Perhaps I should go back and read the post I wrote about perfection and how it isn't attainable or even expected from most people. It doesn't seem to make a difference for my writing and working. I care much more about this than weight loss or health.

I was thinking about this the other night. Weight numbers and what my figure looks like does not stress me out (not having enough of the right clothes does, but that is a different issue), and it has been a long time since extra pounds have stressed me out or bothered me the way I am bothered now. Really, I think some of this is because I have always been the "smart girl" and not the "pretty girl". I am pretty to my parents, grandparents, and husband. They think I am beautiful, but are not exactly objective. Plus, I don't do the extras that could make a real difference--I don't do pedicures or manicures, my hair does its own thing most of the time, and my clothes are simple and certainly lean much more towards utilitarian than fashion. Today I wore a straight denim knee length skirt, chacos, and a t-shirt (it wasn't free, but usually they are). I wear the same things over and over again. I hope to wear my chacos just about every day this summer--I even wear them to church, but don't tell my mother.

For some people, I think this would probably be a sign that they are not happy about their body and don't want to spend time on it. For me, I really don't think that's the case. I would love to have just enough living clothes for a week, and this year I was very excited to find the best brown slip-on shoes that were the right mix between dressy and casual and I wore them almost every day in the fall. Now I have my chacos. I don't like spending money on clothes I don't love, and I want to LOVE everything in my wardrobe and have just enough. I'm not there yet, and I keep getting rid of the fluff.

Anyway, I guess that was background for the not pretty worries. I don't worry about being not pretty. I'm not going to fail at that because I'm not competing, either because I don't think I have a chance on one hand and on the other I don't care about some of the trappings that come with pretty. I don't feel bad about it, because I think I look nice and I know that the people who matter see me as beautiful and tell me so often. Also, I don't think "pretty" is all that important in the long run. I would rather know interesting, funny, thoughtful people. Whether they are pretty or not. Being the right weight and a good figure is part of being pretty, and it's also not a big worry for me. I've got a bit of chub on me, but that's ok. Whatever. It's like wearing free tshirts everyday.

But smart.

That I'm invested in. I am smart. Mean Monkey only wanted to date me because I was smart (seriously, he liked me but didn't decide to ask me out until he found out I was in the Honors college). Now that I'm in law school, I have met many people who are n degrees smarter and more talented than I am. (I am also in a grad program in public admin getting a dual degree.) I am the average student. While I recognize that I want a balanced life for myself and that school is NOT my top priority, I have a hard time letting go of the fear that I am going to show myself as a horrible student. It is terrifying.

And so instead of involving myself in greater efforts at work, I am paralyzed. Which only means that my work will not be as good as it could be, and means that the odds of disappointment will be greater. It is a very bad strategy.

What is funny is that I have cultivated a facade of slacking and stress-free living for everyone else. I hang out with my friends, I go on trips, I volunteer. There is more to life than law school is what I tell everyone. Which is the truth, actually. But I need to recognize that there is a place for schoolwork and be diligent about carving space for it out of my schedule--and then let it go for the rest of the time. Easier said than done.

Tomorrow I will finish the project I mentioned above. Thanks for making it through these ramblings. I am a little calmer now.

Others

One thing that is interesting as I read blogs and just generally in life is how terrifying what other people think can be. Mostly strangers. Why does this matter so much to us? And I am definitely in this category. When I first decided to ride the bus, I felt so stupid as if everyone watching me knew I had no idea what I was doing. I also hate trying new exercise equipment in front of other people, because I know I don't know what I'm doing.

Why?

It bothers me when this amorphous fear of others' opinions stifles me or makes me act differently--and when this happens to others. I never want to limit myself solely because of what other people might think, whether those people are strangers or family. I want to base my decisions and actions on my desires, needs, and reasoning, not on social pressure to conform.

So when I am anxious about trying something new, while I am doing it I remind myself: no one is watching me, there is not a perfect standard of how to do X, I have plenty of reasons for wanting to X that I can justify, people who know how to do things better than I do are generally helpful, mean people are usually insecure, groups generally want new people to show up, everyone had to start somewhere, etc. Of course, after I've done X a couple of times I forget why it was such a big deal in the first place.

Generally, I'm pretty good about trying news things and meeting new people. I have tons of anxiety about it, but I do it anyway. Mean Monkey laughs at me, because it's such a pattern of deciding to do X, fretting over it for a couple of weeks, and then doing it and loving it to pieces. I wish more people would be open to trying new things and saying to hell with the critics!

Transportation Bank Update

Well, I didn't do so well last week in terms of getting points for my transportation bank. From the 9th - 16th, I drove 100 miles alone in my car (-100), walked .2 (+.4), rode the bus 4.5 (+6.75), and carpooled 4 miles with 3 people (+4.25), and carpooled with another person 2 miles (+2). So my balance starting this week was -86.6.

It's going to take a long time to get in the red! I hope that at the end of this first four week period, I can give myself some bonus points. I was surprised that I drove so much, and I was really just commuting and running errands. Today I drove to school, but I decided to ride the bus back and leave my car in the deck. I will need to drive home tomorrow at midnight from work, but I actually will save one car trip home by doing this.

So at the end of the day today, I am at -84.35. I also didn't write down in my first post about the bank that if the carpool contains more than 2 people, then there is an extra +.25.

Nutrient Density

Beth at Act Boldly has an interesting post today about healthy eating inertia that includes the ideas of nutrient density and being "overfed and undernourished." Definitely a post to read. As I review my food journal, I can see that the days when I eat dinner at Wendy's (um, for example) I eat a lot of calories, but if I look at my nutrient requirements in fitday there is a lot of red where I didn't get enough vitamins/nutrients. It's a good reminder to think about getting a variety of good, fresh food!!

Also, the first comment over there goes along with my last post as well.

Luckily, Mean Monkey (husband) and I went to the grocery store after dinner--him to get sandwich fixings so he can make a bunch and keep them in the fridge, and me to stock up on some veggies and hummus for the week. I've gone through veggie soup, salad, and now I'm on veggies and dip from my idea list of how to eat more veggies. We also bought some everyday dinner things. And he's not mean, I just called him that tonight for fun and I think it's funny.

P.S. I finished Affluenza tonight, so it is no longer a distraction. Now I'm wondering if the library has The Omnivore's Dilemma so I can procrastinate EVEN more. It's good to know I excel at something! haha. Also, on a more positive goal-oriented note, when we went to the grocery store we saved some plastic bags because I had one of the canvas bags in the car! Woohoo! And I've already put it back out in the car for next time.

______
I know I said I would keep my eyes open for a small, light bag that I could always carry around with me for when I just need a few things. Well, I figured out what that could be! I'm just going to stuff a couple of plastic grocery bags in my usual bag. They are light, small, and versatile, and I'll get another use out of them. Just had to open my eyes a bit.

Myth v. Reality

The book that I'm procrastinating with, Affluenza, gave me some good thinking last night. It said that we have been sold on the idea that cooking for ourselves is difficult, time-consuming, drudgery by (surprise!) companies who make pre-packaged, processed convenience foods. Foods that often don't end up being as good for us as fresh and freshly prepared foods.

And although the last thing that I want to do some days is come home and cook, I agree with this for the most part. Cooking healthy food can be very simple. For example, today for lunch I had tilapia and broccoli. It took me between 15 and 20 minutes to cut up and steam a head of broccoli and cook the fish in a pan with non-stick cooking spray, including the time it took to defrost the fish filet in a bowl of water. Not hard at all, and I got some veggies in and lean protein. Cooking for yourself is also cheaper--I think my lunch probably cost less than $3, and it's hard to find food at restaurants or pre-packaged that is as cheap and as nutritious.

I didn't grow up cooking, but my husband and I both love to cook now. It does take practice, but usually nothing gets screwed up too badly. Also, after making your own meal, there is some feeling of accomplishment and who can't use more of that these days? ha.

One great resource I have found is Everyday Food, a Martha Stewart magazine that focuses on meals that are relatively simple and quick. Most recipes come in under an hour, but 35 minutes is probably the average. All of the recipes have nutritional information included. And there are sections on cooking tips and new foods to try. Love.

Really, the things stopping me from cooking is not the cooking itself, but the clean-up afterwards and the lack of regular grocery shopping. I'm taking steps to help me with this already.

Anyway, that's my ramblings on home cooking today.

Measures

Weight: 156
Measures: 40-35-40

Remember

"What the bored person really craves is a meaningful, authentic life. The ads suggest that such a life comes in products or packaged commercial experiences. But religion and the science of psychology say it's more likely to be found in such things as service to others, relationships with friends and family, connection with nature, and work of intrinsic moral value."--John De Graaf et al., Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic, 2nd Ed., pg 80 (emphasis in the original).

This passage rings true for me, and is the basis of this blog really. I want a life filled with meaning found in relationship and service to others and a connection to the world outside myself. However, the community I live in, and many communities in the U.S., are not structured in a way that lends themselves to this kind of life. Too often we are separated from our community and the natural world by a dependence on cars, uninviting public areas, the homogenization of our communities, and housing segregation in areas that invite us to stay indoors with the tv and the internet as our companions. It takes self-discipline to engage in a meaningful life--to consciously identify problem areas and solutions that create better communities, to step outside of our comfort zones and engage strangers (and sometimes friends!), to bravely invite others into our lives by inviting them into our public areas, our neighborhoods, and our homes, and to act in such a way that encourages others to do likewise.

I'm not sure how health and fitness really relate to this desire of mine, but I do know that I can modify my thinking of this subject to attune it to these goals. I could buy locally grown food, join the co-op, exercise with friends or hubby, enjoy the outdoors, and a number of other things.

New things to ponder.

Please ignore that I have checked a new book out of the library tonight and read over 80 pages of it instead of working toward my goals this evening. What can I say, I'm an excellent procrastinator.

Stress

Well, it's two weeks until finals. This time of year is always a time when any healthy habits I have disintegrate, and I procrastinate and have so much anxiety (these two problems feed on each other). I go through my days on the verge of a panic attack and think about getting sick so that I can have an excuse to get out of my responsibilities.

In the end, I always get everything done and do decently well. But I have tons of stress, get little sleep, and eat more than usual. It's certainly not fun. Right now, I'm just going to try to keep my head above water and be aware of when I'm reacting to stress.

This morning I'm going to clean a bit before I go to work, and try to finish one of my papers and half of the other one. I'm also going to read for classes so that I am ready for the first few days of next week. As for some healthy time for myself, I'm going to eat a healthy lunch, walk to the mailbox, and pull some weeds in my garden (for some strange reason, I love this). I'll try to make a plan each day, and maybe that will help.

____________

At work, after having a semi-healthy lunch, a little time with some plants, and finishing laundry and halfway cleaned the kitchen. Not bad. Now I just want to finish one of my papers and read some before I go home tonight.

Perception

You can be late and upset, or you can just be late.

I think I read this saying in Janet Luhrs' The Simple Living Guide. It really has helped me a great deal in limiting a portion of the stress in my life. I am often running right on the edge of tardiness, and it used to fluster me so much. I would sit in the car, fuming about the traffic or other drivers, just generally working myself up over something that I had very little control over. Now, I just sit in the car and listen to the radio or watch what's going on.

It was a great realization that I have a choice about whether to be upset or not over the way things are happening. Another trick that helped me with this was to ignore the clock in the car. Watching the time tick away does not get me to my destination any faster, and fretting over it doesn't help much either. I think she suggests to cover the clock up, but I haven't needed to do that.

Just a thought today.

Paying Attention

You can't do everything, but you can do something.

That's my motto this week. I am literally running out of hours in the day to do everything that needs to get done. At 8 pm I realize that I need to read for my 8:30 am class (about an hour), get home, have dinner, start laundry, study, work on a project for about 3 hours, clean a little bit, and get to bed by 11:00 so I can get a decent night's sleep. Well, it's almost 12:30 am, and I have done about half of the required tasks for today. My free time today consisted of about two and a half hours (broken up, not all in one block) that I could have shoved more work into, but that's about it and I need some breaks in order to motivate me to do more work. My motto helps me from feeling too overwhelmed to do anything.

Tomorrow is another day to work on everything. I haven't figured out how to make a good graphic for my sidebar about the transportation bank, which is just as well because I think I'm already in the hole. It's hard to get up early enough to ride the bus when I could use the extra hour to sleep in.

Also, my food journal has been very interesting to me recently. My high calorie days are definitely reactions to stress, such as when we are just too tired and worn out to think of making anything at home for dinner and it is easier to pay for someone to bring us some food. That is when I drink Coke, mostly because it is a habit to have it with certain meals. I also lose out on getting enough veggies when that happens, because most places that are quick (or most restaurants in general) don't offer many good veggies.

One way that would make it easier to have meals at home when we're tired is to keep the kitchen cleaner so that we have a clean slate to work with immediately. We have a small kitchen and because we are busy and a little lazy, dishes do pile up a bit. Which is gross, but can be controlled. Also, last week when I made soup on the weekend we had a quick meal already prepared in the fridge if we needed it. So I can think of making a couple of extra things on the weekends (when they aren't also packed to the gills) that can tide us over when we're worn out.

Good planning notes. Someday soon I will implement them. I hope.

Scale says

Weight: 156

Measurements: 40-35-40.5

I'll be away from home tomorrow, so I weighed and measured today.

Self-discipline or Perfection?

When I started this blog, I was thinking of self-discipline as a way to live a perfectly regimented life. Now, just a few weeks later, I realize that this is impossible. Mostly because of what I call the P-word.

Perfection.

I think that is what most people are seeking when they talk about self-discipline. Self-discipline is staying on plan, it's getting up and always meeting your committments. For me, perfection would be having it all, being able to have a life with all the best things balanced into a coherent whole.

Well, that's impossible. As a human being, overarching perfection is not attainable. Not for the long haul and probably not for the short haul either. And that's ok.

It's ok because imperfection isn't failure.

At first, when I couldn't meet my mini-goal of eating veggies at lunch and dinner, I thought about just deleting this blog and pretending it never happened. I can't even meet my mini-goal one day, what kind of blog about self-discipline is this?!? Instead, I thought about what was stopping me from eating veggies--not going to the grocery store and not having a good idea about what to get that would help me eat veggies at lunch. I came up with some ideas about lunches I would like (and got a good suggestion from anonymous jones for another), and then I made some time to go to the store just to buy healthy snacks and veggies. Since I've done that, I've been able to meet my goal almost every day this week.

After thinking about how work on that mini-goal turned out, I realized that my idea about self-discipline was changing a bit. I'm not sure anymore that self-discipline means executing a plan perfectly day after day after day. Perhaps it's more like continuing to work on what's important and enjoying what strides you have made.

Maybe this is a realization that comes easy to some, but it's not for me. It helps me to be explicit about the steps that I took to work on the mini-goal so that in the future when I don't remember what I know now, I can look back and walk myself through this to work on future problems.

New Green Habits

Part of my MEGApicture goal was to be more green. To that end, I am going to work on the following habits (even though I am focusing on health and fitness aspects right now): reducing grocery bags and driving a one-person car.

I have a few good bags that make great grocery sacks, so I will keep them in our cars to make it easier to remember them at the store. I will also keep my eyes open for a small, light bag that would be easy to carry around with me if I need a couple of things and I'm not in a car. Re-using bags for groceries is a simple way to reduce waste. Otherwise, I choose paper over plastic because I can use them for collecting paper recycling and then take the bag and all to the recycling center.

Secondly, I am going to start a transportation "bank" where I deposit points for using non-single-person-in-a-car transportation, and deduct points for driving myself alone places or flying. I need to start after this weekend so I don't begin with a negative balance! What I've decided is that the points will break down in the following way per mile: bike +2 pts, walking +2 pts, bus +1.5 pts, carpooling +1 pt, driving alone -1 pt, flying -3 pts. I don't usually travel by train, so I'm not going to worry about it. At the end of each month, if I have any points left over I can get bonus points--for less than 10 points, I will get 10 points, and for more than 10 points I will match the points I have. If I have a negative balance, I can't plan fun driving trips even if I'm not going by myself. Recreational bike riding doesn't get points, although if I rode my bike to the ride then I can get points. For every month that I have an excess of 50 points before bonus miles, the amount over 50 points also equals the number of dollars I can save to buy fun stuff to help my commuting. This scheme is what I do in class instead of pay attention. I also have to figure out a way to make a chart for the sidebar to track my balance!

Coming soon: the link between self-discipline and perfection.

Displacing

Right after reading the article in my last post, I got to watch a perfect example of it. Which is sad to say. My friends and I went out to lunch, and one ate two bites of her sandwich and drank a diet coke. She did eat dessert, chocolate pots de creme. She's a very picky eater. She's a vegetarian who does not really like veggies, so she eats mostly bread and potatoes. And while she is struggling with her weight right now, it's not all related to her eating habits. I wish there were a way to encourage her to eat something green every now and then.

Disappearing Act

Today as I was going to catch the bus for my afternoon class, I packed up all my stuff really quickly and rushed down to the end of the road. I had my keys and my book and my wallet and my id and a banana. By the time I got to class, the banana was gone. Not because I ate it, but because it apparently ran away. Or fell out, if you want to be all reality-based. I thought I had just knocked it off the area where I packed my bag, but when I came home it wasn't anywhere. Poor lost banana out in the world.

In other news, I went back and looked at my food journal such that it is. I hadn't realized that I'm breaking 2000 calories each day. Interesting. Previous journaling had me much lower than that somehow. Probably the cheese or maybe last time I wasn't as careful. I think mypyramid says I should have three cups of dairy a day, and I'm going over that a bit. I probably need to cut that back by one serving and try to get some more lean meat or whole grains in. Although one good note is that recently I have been getting about 20 grams of fiber a day! Way to go veggie and whole grain eating!

It feels good being aware of my diet (as in the range of foods I'm eating, not a way of restricting myself) and planning for nutrition. There are plenty of areas to improve upon, but this week I have had at least a cup of veggies for lunch and usually some for dinner. That's a huge improvement over chips and fries for lunch, both nutrition wise and budget wise! Good job, me!

Also, I read an interesting article over at Someday Is Now about displacing good nutritive food with junk eating, instead of working treats into your healthy diet. It tied into my earlier thoughts about being careful not to treat myself everyday, or every meal. Check it out.

Dieting

First thing first, dear multitudes of readers, you will notice that I have added a blog roll. Well, actually it's a "fit roll"! It's from fatfighters. It helps give my blog some "lived-in" feel, I think. More homey. haha.

Also, I am linking to Act Boldly in addition to my other blogs. I've been reading her site today and I really like what she has to say about size acceptance and focusing on healthy choices and living as opposed to numbers on a scale. I say size acceptance instead of fat acceptance because I don't think that it's just people who are fat who have problems accepting themselves where they are. Even though people who aren't fat don't have the same kind of outward negativity focused on them by others--although I could argue both sides of that. (Would it surprise you that I'm in law school after that comment?)

Moving along before I tangle up with arguing against myself and what all. After reading some of her posts about why she's not dieting but choosing to eat foods that are healthier for her body, I thought about the fact that I don't think I've ever been on a diet before to lose weight.

I can't recall dieting during high school or college. I didn't diet for my wedding. I certainly haven't dieted after I've been married. There was never a lot of pressure from my family to be thinner than I was, even though I am actually the biggest girl. Now that I'm grown, there is none. Sometimes my husband cheers when I mention the possibility of bikini-wearing in the future, but the reality is that he'd probably feed me lard in my sleep if I were as thin as I think "thin" is.

So that leaves me about where I am.

Personal DNA

I am a benevolent inventor.

Or so the personal DNA site says. I don't think that I meet the inventor parts as closely as the benevolent parts. I think I got lumped into that category because I chose function over style too much--but between the two, I'm going to have to go with function rather than style. I don't have the resources for pretty but non-utilitarian things at the moment!

I also think that I am more empathetic than the graph shows, but I didn't really like the questions that were about empathy. Oh well!

Sprywear

The other day I clicked on an ad at Renee's site for Sprywear and found a neat website selling motivational tees with ultra-cute sayings. Since I'm a student and low on cash, I filed that away in the "one-day" part of my mind.

Well, one day is closer than I thought! Sprywear is sponsoring the FatFighters Blog and Directory (see the button under the Blogger one to jump there) and there will be a drawing for a chance to win a free shirt! This post is part of my entering the contest. Usually, I'm wary of blogs pushing/reviewing products or other kinds of semi-viral marketing. But I like the shirts. And I like the chance to win free stuff! Plus, now I feel as if I've fully disclosed my motives for talking about them.

So that's that! The link above should take you to their site.

Journaling

Whenever I actually follow through with my food journal, I am always surprised at how much some days are. Like today, I'm at about 2500 calories (rounding up). That seems like so much! And it is more than usual, but it reminds me that bad habits like drinking coke or overeating a little bit can have big consequences.

I don't keep my food journal to track bad foods versus good foods, but it does help me see what foods really should be moderated and which habits aren't really good for me. Like grabbing a handful of jelly beans or drinking coke with meals. I enjoyed that, but now I have a reminder that I need to be careful about treating myself everyday.

I also have decided that I'm only going to allow myself one "habit" meal a week. I call them habit meals because there are things that I love to have that I could eat every day for a week and not be tired of. And sometimes I do something like that. For example, I will eat a habit meal for lunch every day. It's not bad food really, but it's food that should be eaten in moderation. Patty melts. Mushroom-swiss burgers. Chicken tacos with a side of cheese dip. Olive Garden salad and breadsticks. There are probably a few more, but these are my current favorites. I've already had my habit meal of the week, so the rest of the week I need to eat my veggies!

Body image

It's strange. I usually don't feel like I'm overweight that much. I feel moderately overweight, like the graph on fitday says. I wear a size 10-12, depending on the store and the fit. I don't mind trying on clothes and I'm not tied to dress size.

But my friend sent me some pictures of us, taken recently, and my mental image does not match up with the objective reality. Or more objective reality. I am double chinned--which I don't ever see in the mirror, but which is always present in pictures no matter the angle. The tummy roll is present, but that doesn't really bother me. After all, it's dwarfed by my boobs.

I know that my face is a lot chubbier since I started grad school--I had to get a new id and the picture was SO different. Apparently I gained some of the 25 pounds in the past three years in my face.

Anyway, I've said here before that I'm really interested in being healthy and that weight loss is just a by-product. While I think that's true, I also really need to acknowledge that I would like to lose weight, and that it's not silly or shallow to do so. At the same time, that is just not my top priority. Mostly because I have no desire to diet or to exercise with the goal of losing weight. I love good real food. I also am learning to like sports because they are fun and not because it's exercise.

I also have no idea what weight I would be working toward. According to BMI, I would be in the healthy range starting at 146-149 (I'm not quite 5'5''). But the high end of the scale is for people with higher muscle mass and/or men, so I doubt that would actually be healthy for me. A mid-range BMI (21.5) would be from 125-130. I have a medium build.

Hmm, well I think that's all my ramblings for today. Nope, I forgot to add that I went grocery shopping and bought lots of healthy fruits and veggies for the next week and I made a huge pot of vegetable soup for lunches. AND I had veggie soup for lunch today.

Scale says

Weight: 158
Measurements: 41.5-34.5-40

Veggie-licious!

In an attempt to get back to my mini-goal, I have been thinking about ways that I could eat veggies for lunch. I need to get a larger insulated lunch bag so that I don't have to worry about keeping my lunch cold enough. We have a fridge at school, but lunches sometimes go missing.

What I've thought of so far is: veggie soup, salad, veggies and dip, and a veggie plate. All of which would meet my mini-goal of a cup of veggies at lunch as well as being things I would eat. And I wouldn't worry terribly about any of it getting to room temperature, especially the things I would re-heat. So when I go to the grocery store tomorrow I will put ingredients to make these meals a reality in my buggy! I'm glad that I have a plan. Plus, there is enough chance for variety that I won't be bored with this and want to have tacos for lunch.

Any other veggie lunch ideas would be welcomed!

The work with the historic preservation group went well this morning, and I got to know someone I go to church with better. Overall, a great way to spend a morning.